but that's not what i mainly want to talk about. i wanted to say that all of this changed my plans drastically. everyone makes plans, right? so, according to my plan, i was now supposed to be in the US. ahhh, ok, if everything was going the way i could plan for myself, then by now i'd be married to a great christian man who is really nice, friendly, funny, cute, stylish, filthy rich (ok i might be willing to give this one up if he's awesome enough :D) and who loves me, has a good sense of humor, and even gets and likes my sense of humor (and that's certainly not a sure thing for i've met many people who don't get my jokes - it makes me sad :P), a man that can cook and sing and has a great taste in music.. and we would be living in an awesome apartment that would be so amazing and look so cute and cool at the same time (we would of course pick everything together without any arguments, for apparently our styles would be really similar), i could work in women's ministry and take care of our home.. he would be an awesome husband, i would be an awesome wife.. and we'd of course live happily ever after, with God being in the center of our relationship forever. :D but yep, all of this is not likely to happen any time soon, so i guess you get what i mean with 'plans', right? :D sorry for 'daydreaming aloud'. :D
anyway. i was supposed to be in the US right now, having a great time with my friends, seeing people i haven't seen (and have missed!) for years, meeting new people and discovering new places.. and i'm not. i'm sitting at home studying, and feeling super-guilty whenever i do anything else because i know that i shouldn't be doing anything else. i feel guilty even right now for writing this. but yeah, technically speaking, i'm not writing this instead of studying but instead of sleeping. so i can feel ok i guess. :D
but having plans, when everything seems to click together, everything is pointing to your plans all year long, and you are more and more excited.. having all of this and then just losing it.. it can get frustrating. it seems not fair. for a little while i felt decieved, sad, stuck. but then i remembered that my plans are not always the same as God's plans. that His ways are different than mine. (when i think of that daydreaming paragraph,i'm like-'oh yeah, that's for sure true' :D) and i just really need to trust God about this. i need to trust Him and His plans. i don't even know how my exams turn out. and it's all up to Him. And the best part is that i'm never alone in all this. God is always right there with me, maybe He's looking at the stuff i'm trying to learn and He's like - 'how can she not get it? this is easy peasy for me!' :D but for sure, He is the only source of my strenght right now. i've been having kind of an asocial life for past weeks. i don't get to hang out with friends a whole lot since i have to study. and i just know that being here without my loving God, i could never survive this. He's my only real support and comfort. i sometimes seek comfort elsewhere - looking to my family and friends to provide comforting words.. but it never works. i mean, it does help to know that people love me and think of me and pray for me.. but it's definitely not enough. and what is more, it often makes me feel like i disappoint all those people who were trying to comfort me and help me and support me when i don't pass my exams. and so i really need a different comfort - the ultimate comfort from God. i know that i can never disappoint Him. He knows me, He created me, He formed my little brain that doesn't get chemistry and physics, and He did so for a reason. i don't know the reason yet. but there for sure is one. sometimes i'm like, 'God, you should have told me in advance how dumb i was - i would never have started med school if i knew!' :D
i usually hear the words 'freedom' and 'independence' put together. not just in the Armageddon movie as names of those space shuttles (even though that's what i imagine every time i hear these two words :D) but generally, these two things are connected for most of the people. you have to be independent to be free. you feel free only when you're independent. but as for me, i experienced the biggest and most fulfilling freedom.. in total dependence.. dependence on God. it sounds like a cliché, but i can't put it in any other way that would explain better what i mean here. and right now, i am in this place of total dependence. i depend on God fully. on His strenght, wisdom, His plan for my life (even though i'd still like the thing mentioned above to happen - huh, God? what do you think about it? :D) and His love. His promise that He'd never give me more than i can handle. i really need this bigger perspective, because sometimes i get caught up in my problems, nothing is going as it should, and i get lost in it and complain and cry and blame God.. but then He gently shows me that He is still here, and wants me to concentrate more on the bigger image. and looking at Jesus, seeing the cross.. it changes everything, and it frees me. it frees me not only from my sin, guilt and shame, but also from my doubts, troubles, anxiety, stress, it frees me from worries about my future. i know that my family and friends have expectations of what i should do, how i should act, they expect me and want me to turn out certain way. but God knows me fully and completely, He knows about every little thing i screwed up in my life and also about everything that i'm yet to screw up. He knows those things and they are built into His plan, His perfect plan. and He will never let me down. i can do whatever i want to do when i know that God is in the center. i am free. i am free - free even from what people think about me. and - it might be a little paradox - the fact that i am free to give this up any time because God's love for me will never change and it's all already written in His plans, this fact gives me the biggest strenght to keep on fighting. :)
several verses have been on my mind a lot lately:
'Fight the good fight of faith.' (1 Timothy 6:12)
'And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.' (Philipians 4:7)
'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."' (2 Corinthians 12:9)
'I can do all things through Him who strenghtens me.' (Philipians 4:13)
and finally, my all time favorite
'Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strenghten you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.' (Isaiah 41:10)
and i'm sorry if some of them are a little differently put than they are in the Bible, but i wrote them without checking - it's almost 2 am and i guess i'm too tired (or lazy?) to look for the precise versions of them that are in the Bible. :D
and so.. Christ's power can be made perfect in this huge weakness of mine. and i can be peaceful because whatever i do in my life, whether i finish med school or not, whether i marry that awesome guy or not, no matter how i disappoint the expectations of my family or friends.. He is with me, loves me, strenghtens me, upholds me.. and His cross changes everything and gives me perfect freedom.. in total dependence. :) our God is great.
oh, and by the way, there are ways how God cheers me up in the middle of this craziness. like our new kitty :) sooooo cute!! she bites a lot when she wants to play with us in her own weird way.. but oh my word i still love her so much. :) aaaand coloring nails with my sister. we usually have a great time picking colors and then doing and re-doing and re-re-doing our nails. :D and last but not least was this one night after an exam i didn't pass when i got to babysit kids of my friends in Prague.. and it was like the sweetest time i've had in months. those kids are absolutely adorable and they just totally made my day. :) when that little girl came to me while her brother was sleeping on my lap, took my hand and said, 'Babu, i love when you come here and stay with us', my heart melted. :D
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| the brighter moments of my days. :) |
and yeah, this post is long. you have my respect if you kept on reading till now. but i just have so much stuff i'd love to write down, i just don't have the time.. but i hope that next post here will come soon. :)
and a song. can't forget to put a song for finishing the atmosphere of this post. :D i had a super hard time deciding which song would match my feelings the best. One more cup of coffee or I just don't know what to do with myself by The White Stripes? or Girl, you have no faith in medicine by the same band? :D but then i decided to go for something a little bit more melancholical. and so here it is - All at once by Jack Johnson. because 'all at once, the world can overwhelm me.. there's almost nothing that you you could tell me that could ease my mind.'. luckily, what God says can ease my mind.. always. :)
