the pre-summer struggle with beauty.

oh i know, i should be studying right now. and yep, i will be, in a while. i just have to write this down because it's been on my mind for some time and i feel like i should write this down, even if it was just for me to be reminded of this every time i see it. i think that girls will be able to relate to this more (i admit it, when it comes to what boys think, i'm lost. :D ).

i bet that every girl in the world knows this.. i have seasons in life when looking to the mirror in the morning seems like the most challenging and hardest thing ever. :D it's a life-long battle. some days you just know right after you get up that what you get to see in a few moments will decide how the whole day will turn out for you. and there are times when what you see does not exactly please you. :D and, just as for many other girls, for me this time usually comes with the beginning of summer. oh, summer. don't be misled here - i love all the seasons of the year. each of them has its beauties, each of them has its ups and downs, each of them has its special charm. but summers are super challenging in the area of beauty and self image. it's probably a society thing - when the first hot sunbeams hit the earth after winter, you start seeing articles like '100000000 tips how to look your best this summer' or 'how to get tanned in 10 seconds' and 'get your bikini body now or you're worth nothing' everywhere. i don't read them - at least not all of them. :D but it's definitely a pressure. not a healthy one. do you know how i recognize that summer is officialy here? first, i see more freckles appearing. i'm like, ok, i'm used to this, many people think it's cute, whatever. then i get my cheeks sunburnt after spending just a few minutes outside without a sunblock. umm, not really cool, but hey, many girls spend a fortune on a blush, and i have one for free! :D and then, the final hit of the beginning of summer, that always catches me by surprise even though every year i hope to avoid it - i get an itchy rash and i get my hair parting sunburnt. and that's not cool at all, because, well, rash is not cool, you know, and when you get your hair parting burnt, there's nothing you can really do about it.. it hurts, you can't really put a sunblock there, and when it heals.. and when it starts to peel... yuck. looks like a terrible psoriasis, or at least a disgusting dandruff. :D:D exactly a look everyone wants for the summer, right? not really.. :D i've already been there this summer!

oh, sometimes i wish i had a perfect bikini body, was tanned and all that stuff.. and i know that every girl, whether she admits it or not, wants the same.but then again, i realize.. i will never be anybody else. i will always just be myself, with the sunburn and freckles and pale skin. and when i just began to see the summer coming this year and had one of those 'mirror-is-the-worst-enemy' days.. God stopped me, saying..

'hey. i created you. i created all that you see - how dare you call it not enough!'

and God also has a reason why he created me exactly the way he did. and then i realized that i really do want to be beautiful. literally - full of beauty. not just covered by beauty, not just sprinkled on by beauty. full of beauty. because what you feel on the inside always shows. and when your heart is full of God, grace, love, hope, beauty.. it shines through the pale skin and freckles and rash and it's a radiating beauty that lasts. i would be a terrible hypocrite if i said that i have it all figured out and never struggle with the way i look.. and also i'm not saying that i don't like being told that i'm beautiful. but i fight with the lies about me in my life that come from this world.

this is not written by me, but it expresses exactly what i feel and want, every single word, and so i want to share it with you:

“I want to be known for more than how I look. I want to be sought after for the way that I love, for my capacity to inspire, for big faith and my ability to speak some sort of truth with both amazing confidence and soft tenderness. I want to be pursued because I am an undeniable person of passion, a woman of distinction worth getting to know because I care more about making my corner of the world so much better than I do about making my face fit an ideal I know I’ll never be good enough for.

I want to trade shallow aesthetics in for a bottomless ocean that never runs dry. I want people to see my heart, all its gruesome glory, and my spirit, with its never-ending persistence to try. I want people to smile when they look at me, with or without the lipstick on, because they associate me with something more than can be seen.

I want to possess something that lasts, even if all the pretty is beaten out of me. I want to be beautiful and I think that I could be. I think – somewhere deep down, I truly believe – that I am.”

because Jesus Christ was so desperately in love with me, and eager to have a personal relationship with me that he died for me. i'm so precious to Him, i have value, i have worth in Him. i've lately learnt about body image that if your eyes are on yourself, you will never be satisfied. God says, 'Fix your eyes on me.' and when i do so, everything changes, because He alone is the source of my security. i see myself beautifully and wonderfully made. the thoughts of 'not being beautiful enough for this world' still haunt me from time to time, but when i'm consumed with Christ and His love, it's not about me, i just don't matter anymore. it's all about Him. 

Leslie Ludy said about a woman of God:

“Her value comes from knowing she has been redeemed and loved by the King of all kings. Her focus is on His desires, not on her selfish wants.” 

that is what I am striving for. i'm definitely not there yet, but i fight for it. and i want to grow in this truth more and more, every day!

i'm going to make one like this for my home. to the bathroom, right by the mirror, maybe? :D

so, let's make a different summer this year. let this summer be not about me or my beauty, but all about Jesus and His beauty being shown in my life. :)

oh and don't worry, i do have a song for you too. :D this one brings me so much joy. i love this band, they're so cool, so cute, their songs are so joyful and lyrics so true. enjoy!! :)